


Devil's Program

by lunambulism



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Course Language, Gen, Inappropriate questions, M/M, Now an ongoing series hurhur, Poor Mr Reporter, Shrek - Freeform, TV interview, absolute crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-05-14 11:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5742679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunambulism/pseuds/lunambulism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hello,” A reporter starts off, a little over thirty and grey hair sprouting slightly along the roots, “Welcome back to 666 News Ikebukuro. Today we have our fellow guests Orihara Izaya and Heiwajima Shi- Heiwajima-san, please put that TV screen down-!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Interview 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have no excuse for this tbh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let’s get started.” It was honestly strange to hear that from a man of fifty to fifty-five and looking like he is currently in the process of leaving the astral plane of existence, while Shizuo was tied up in large ropes in a fashion suspiciously like bondage.
> 
> But, Izaya concluded, this was coming from a world where dullahans are seemingly scared witless by aliens, a monotonous man with as much expression as a rock is offered a job as an actor, and how Shiki never seems to grow bald through the years.

Sometimes, the poor old reporter thinks while he tries to shuffle his scripts for the newest episode of the news program, why his company is still trying to force a fragile elderly man to come in contact with the two most dangerous men of the area with potentially scandalous material with the possibility of being vivisected with either a flick-blade or simply bare hands.

He surely was having an encounter with an existential crisis of some sort right here and right now.

 

“Izaya-!”

“Ah, ah, Shizu-chan, remember why you’re here on a live programme, wouldn’t want to ruin dear Kasuka-kun’s famous reputation, hm~?”

“I swear, if I can just wrangle your *BEEP*-ing scrawny neck, then I’ll be-”

“Heiwajima-san, all of your indecent vocabulary will be filtered, but if you would please be more mindful of your-”

“I don’t give a _*BEEP*_ -ing _*BEEP*_ ’s _*BEEP*_ about _*BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP_ * about your rules or whatever _*BEEP*_ you have you _*BEEP*_ s-!”

“Ah, Shizu-chan, calm that animalistic temper of yours, will you? It’s starting to grate on my nerves, heh..”

“Izaya, you _*BEEP*_ -”

-.-.-

“We apologise for the inconvenience, but due to our profanity filter technicians have been encountering psychogenic seizures. We are currently coming in contact with our nearest medical facility. Meanwhile, everybody, please accept this thirty second advertisement from our sponsor Windex.”

-.-.-

“Let’s get started.” It was honestly strange to hear that from a man of fifty to fifty-five and looking like he is currently in the process of leaving the astral plane of existence, while Shizuo was tied up in large ropes in a fashion suspiciously like bondage.

But, Izaya concluded, this was coming from a world where dullahans are seemingly scared witless by aliens, a monotonous man with as much expression as a rock is offered a job as an actor, and how Shiki never seems to grow bald through the years.

 

“Oh, wait,” Izaya peers disbelievingly at the papers that the old reporter was holding, “Are those.. interview questions?” His words die off at the very tip of his tongue.

The reporter’s eyes faded slightly and he mouthed something that was very vaguely along the lines of ‘alas, yes, they are as bad for my soul as they are for yours’.

“Wait, what the fu-”

 

Reporter-san seemed to be over with everyone’s shit. “We’re starting.”

 

Q.1 – Name of your lover?

 

Shizuo sputtered, trying to thrash around in his chains with a beet-red face of denial and sudden embarrassment. Izaya’s eyes opened wide slightly then narrowed with amusement and glee as a smile spread like wildfire across his face.

“No, no, no, I don’t have a-”

“Birth name; Heiwajima Shizuo, personal nicknames and aliases; protozoan, amoeba, single-celled creature, inadequately toilet-trained beast..”

_“Iza-ya--!”_

“‘The fortissimo of Ikebukuro’, ‘The man who once held up a street-light by his bare face’, ‘that blonde guy who crushed 27 bones-”

 

Q.2 – Age of your lover?

 

“He’s twenty four and I’m forever twenty one.”

“Why the fuck do I have to pretend to be an insect’s boyfriend?”

“Oh, Shizu-chan,” Izaya fluttered his eyelashes, “That’s so romantic, you called yourself ‘boyfriend’, so that means you’re topping?”

“Huh wait what-”

“Do it for Kasuka-kun, and for the mass carnage of property damage you’ve caused the last time you’ve been here.”

 

Q.3 – Gender of your lover?

 

“Insects don’t have genders. Right?”

“Oh you flatter me, darling. But you’d have to be a male for me to vivisect you at the end of this programme.”

“Not unless I bash your pretty face in first, cutie-pie.”

 

Q.4 – Favourite thing to do with your lover?

 

Izaya pretended to be deep in thought, “Let’s see here.. well, not exactly G-rated activities..”

“ _WHAT_.”

“..Like throwing street poles at me and slicing his shirt to ribbons; graphic depictions of violence, kids. Oh, and attempted vivisection and dissection, although that’s more of Shinra’s area of expertise. Hey, hey, I’m not going to mentally scar the nice old man that easily, y’know?”

 

Q.5 – Hateful thing to do with your lover?

 

“Breathe the same air as him,” They stated in unison.

“And taking a live interview with him as well,” Shizuo snorted.

 

Q.6 – What do you do in your free time with your lover?

 

“Try to kill him,” Shizuo deadpans.

“ _Very unromantically_ ,” Izaya adds unnecessarily.

 

Q.7 – What is your lover’s favourite food?

 

“Shizu-chan likes milk and disgustingly sweet stuff. Really, did you never have cavities before?” Izaya teased, leaning close enough to the blonde ex-bartender to be within biting range and leaning back again before Shizuo can do just so.

“Izaya likes slimy fatty tuna and dead fish eyes-”

 

“You may shut your puny mouth right this instant or I not only vivisect you, but I’ll do it with my _bare hands_.”

 

Q.8 – What is your lover’s favourite thing to do?

 

Shizuo rattles at his tight ropes once again for the nth time within the last five or six minutes, “I don’t know, maybe ganging up with Adolf Hitler and plotting the end of the world.”

Izaya laughs, loud and grating, “That’s preposterous! Hitler’s dead, Shizu-chan, you expect me to share my battle plans with a dead body-”

“SO YOU DO HAVE MASTER PLANS.”

Izaya shuts up.

 

Q.9 – Did you announce your relationship to the public yet?

 

“Day time or night time?” Izaya winks towards the camera.

 

Q.10 – Do you trust your lover?

 

“Yeah, I completely trust a guy who dyed their hair in high school, is in possession of bullet-proof flickblade-proof sunglasses – which I propose to be made illegal – and is _terrible_ in bed.”

“WHAT.”

“Tsk, Shizu-chan, did you eat a broken record or something for breakfast?”

 

Q.11 – What do you call your lover?

 

Izaya smiles unnervingly at Shizuo, who only glares back in defiance, “I google up some of the most offensive insults to exist, commit them to memory and unleash them onto Shizu-chan while we’re sharing our most _intimate_ moments.”

Shizuo scoffs, “What he said, except that last bit.”

“I’m hurt, darl’.”

 

Q.12 – Have you ever been on a date?

 

“In the streets of ‘Bukuro with hailing almighty street-signs and urban destruction galores? Yeah, been there, done that.”

 

Q.13 – When did you meet each other? Describe the setting.

 

Shizuo’s the one to start, “I just beat up a bunch of thugs that the flea sent after to ‘test’ me – or Shinra tells me, and when I turn around, _he’s_ sitting there like some god of the fucking world and looking down on me, and so I punched him-”

“ _Tried to_ ,” Izaya chirps icily, and goes ignored.

“But he sliced my shirt as well – that bastard – so we sort of-”

“Went from there and proceeded into very obscure M-rated sexy-times,” Izaya finished up for him.

“Yeah.. WAIT NO-”

-.-.-

“We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Firefighters have been called. Please stand by.”

-.-.-

The reporter looks wearily at the charred remains of the studio which could only be described as ‘a sizzling heap of charred infrastructure pounded brutally into a shape of what may as well now be described as a crater’.

He turns back to Izaya and Shizuo, the former with an inhumanely large, satisfied grin, and the latter now in three and a half rolls of duct tape wrapped around him.

The reporter sighs, loud and brittle with age and stress, and holds out his microphone, “We’ll resume outside of the studio, if you two wouldn’t mind.”

 

He feels like he’s asking for a death wish, when his eyes track down the large amount of remaining questions on the cursed sheet of paper.

 

Q.14 – Where did you go for your first date with your lover, if you had one? If not, what was the first thing you did as an official couple?

 

“Well, since we probably ‘officially’ started ‘dating’ when we started this interview, I’d say for me, answer some questions about our non-existent love life, then proceed to vivisect Shizu-chan and maybe attempted murder while I’m at it.”

“Oh no not this again you flea.”

 

Q.15 – Who asked out the other person first?

 

Izaya faked an overly-exaggerated gasp, “Oi, how much questions did we get this time?”

“You probably set this up,” Shizuo growls, hissing at the way the duct tape seems to wind up tighter the more he tries to free himself from his bonds.

“I would like to have been the mastermind behind this, but it looks like Erika made friends..”

 

 

 

 

 

“Next question,” Izaya waves his hand dismissively when he realises that the reporter was straining his arm waiting for an answer.

 

Q.16 – If your lover was an hour late for your date, what would you do?

 

“I wouldn’t even agree on a date with that insect, and anyways, even if I did, I’d just buy some parfait and go home, because Izaya’s probably messing around with the yakuza and that Shrek guy again.”

“It is for your and my physical and mental wellbeing that I’d like to let you know, Shizu-chan, that Shiki-san is _not_ , and has never been a giant stinky ogre with excessive earwax and friends with Akabayashi-san the talking donkey.”

 

Q.17 – Describe your lover as an animal?

 

“An amoeba, a mentally and physically underdeveloped and underrated species that thrive on glucose – in this case, sugar – and have no mind or will. And they also look terrifyingly hideous.”

“At this stage, I’m just gonna say that even fleas deserve to be on a higher level in prettiness to that guy.”

 

Q.18 – Describe your lover in one word.

 

“Single-celled.”

“An asshole.”

“Figuratively or literally, Shizu-chan~?”

 

Q.19 – Describe your lover as a flower.

 

Shizuo gives up on trying to gnaw his way through the duct tape and instead settles for wriggling like a caterpillar, “A fucking wilted, dried, disgusting one, that’s for sure.”

“A rafflesia, huge, buff, and utterly brainless. Smells like rotting meat too. There’s something new to learn, kids,” Izaya waves at the camera.

 

Q.20 – In the next life, will your love continue?

 

“Fuck no.”

“I’m afraid that I cannot be absolutely certain that there is such thing as an afterlife or continued life, but if the possibility was there, as much as I adore human life, I’d rather shoot myself if that happens.”

 

Q.21 – What would you do if your lover cheated on you?

 

Shizuo narrowed his eyes, “With who? Shrek?”

“Oh my god Shizu-chan you owe me therapy now.”

 

Q.22 – Who is seme and who is uke?

 

“I REFUSE TO BE A BOTTOM.”

“That’s good, because you’ll break the bed. On second thoughts, you’ll still break the bed when you’re on top.”

 

Q.23 – What are your thoughts on rape?

 

Izaya narrows his sharp, carmine eyes, “As much as I try to reinforce the fact that it’s part of human nature, I still find it utterly revolting.”

“Careful there with what you say, flea,” Shizuo warns, “Otherwise you might develop a heart that’s not a block of stone for once.”

 

Q.24 – Did you have your first time with your current lover?

 

“Thankfully no.”

“So you did do it with Shrek, huh?”

“You owe me more therapy Shizu-chan.”

 

Q.25 – When you kiss, would you do it when the other has food in their mouth?

 

Izaya frowns, “Sounds like some sappy doujin plot. No.”

“I can’t believe I‘m agreeing with you,” Shizuo mutters under his breath, but it gets caught by Izaya anyways.

 

Q.26 – What sort of circumstances do you guys have?

 

“Life-long, death-long _rivals_ ,” Shziuo grits out the last word like it’s the closing statement for a parliament speech.

“I’m hurt yet again, Shizu-chan~! Why must you shatter my delicate maiden heart everytime?”

 

Q.27 – Have you ever been caught having XXX?

 

“I don’t think Courier-san’s quite recovered yet to this day,” Izaya cackles like a witch, and Shizuo flushes an angry shade of red.

“Stop making shit up, bastard-!”

 

Q.28 – How many months have you two been together?

 

“Really, though, these questions are getting quite vexing.”

“Er, 7 years, probably. Hey, what are you giving me that weird look for?”

 

Q.29 – Would you like to have children with your lover?

 

Izaya looks over warily to Shizuo, who was mirroring his exact expression.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll ask Shingen..?” He shrugs weakly.

“Oh no don’t you _dare_ you flea.”

 

Q.30 – Would you get married to your lover?

 

“Huh? Well, uh,” Shizuo bites his lips uncertainly.

“I’m waiting for that ‘no’, Shizu-chan.”

“Nah.”

Izaya raises an eyebrow, “‘Nah’ as in ‘nah, I won’t marry him’, or ‘nah, I won’t say nah.’”

“Uh.”

 

Q.31 – Where would you get married?

 

“Chances are, in a hospital after Shizu-chan punches my face in.”

 

Q.32 – What would you do if your partner got forced into bed?

 

“Yeah, Shrek.”

“I should call Shiki-san over right this instant to shoot your non-existent brains out, Shizu-chan.”

 

Q.33 – Closing statements?

 

Izaya raises an eyebrow.

“I should sue this place for letting Erika run it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might make this an ongoing series actually, depending on whether or not I find good questions  
> oR IF YOU GUYS WANNA SEND SOME IN WINK WINK


	2. Interview 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No,” Izaya spat venomously, and he wriggled in the ropes binding him, “And let me go. Are you into BDSM that much, you kinky bastard?”

“..Yes, yes.. Oh, there was… one.. –ime… he and-”

“Mmh..?” Izaya groans and tries to lazily open his eyes, and blink when the bright overhead lights metaphorically spear him in the eyes, “..What..”

“Oh!” Someone’s voice chirps obnoxiously and – fuck, is that voice familiar, no, no, _no_ – “Orihara-kun! You’re awake now!”

Izaya made a feral hissing sound, but fell short due to his lack of focus, “Shinra, what-”

The doctor laughed at the informant’s expense, and clapped his hands once, “Well, Orihara-kun, I’m here as an extra guest today, isn’t that nice?”

“ _No,_ ” Izaya spat venomously, and he wriggled in the ropes binding him, “And let me go. Are you into BDSM that much, you kinky bastard?”

“Ah, no, no, it’s just with you, Izaya, don’t get jealous~”

“With m- _what_?!”

 

“Ah, um,” Reporter-san coughed, nearing tears at facing the fact that there are now not two, but three possibly psycho interviewees, one which is still asleep and snoring in his chains on the other chair, “O-Orihara-san, if it’s not too much trouble-”

“Yes yes,” Izaya’s smile was so fake it was borderline real, “Please do, the sooner this will be over, the better.”

-.-.-

Q.1 – How are you feeling about the fact that this city currently has a slight obsession with ‘Shizaya’?

 

Izaya – When did this happen? Why don’t I know about this?

Shinra – Well, not everyone can be Santa.

 

Q.2 – How would you describe your current relationship with Heiwajima-san?

 

Izaya – Didn’t anyone notice last time that we were only-

Shinra – What, you don’t need such denial, Izaya, we’ve all accepted that you swing that way.

Izaya – (Chokes)

 

Q.3 – Well, how are you feeling right now then?

Izaya – I want to murder someone. Also I want soft pretzels.

 

Q.4 – Up next are fan-submitted questions.

 

Shinra – That isn’t a question?

-.-.-

“Mmh?”

Izaya swivels his head around to see Shizuo sneeze and grumble.

“Shizuo!” Shinra laughs almost too cheerily, and Izaya wants nothing less than to throttle his friend right now, “Wakey wakey!”

“..Huh?”

-.-.-

Q.5 – Now that you both are awake, can you two say something good to each other?

 

Shizuo - ..Yeahwuhh?

Izaya – (Whispering) Please no please no please no-

Shinra – Oh, they show their love to each other by their regular poisonous insults, don’t worry.

 

Q.6 – Where you hold your honeymoon?

 

Izaya – Okay, I need to clear something up, me and Shizu-chan-

Shinra – Are getting married already? Woah, did you invite me to the wedding? Free cake-!

Shizuo - ..Cake? Did someone say cake?

 

Q.7 – Then how would you kill each other?

 

Shinra – The usual.

 

Q.8 – What would you give your loved one on their birthday?

 

Izaya – More bartender outfits, probably.

Shinra – You never told me you had a fetish for—mmhhm!

Shizuo – Huh? When’s the flea’s birthday again..?

Shinra – Oh goodie, you’re awake, Shizuo! Would you mind helping me out of this headlock?

 

Q.9 – What would your last words be to your loved one before their funeral?

 

Izaya – “You should have never used that stove, Shizu-chan.”

Shizuo – “Are you even meant to use the flickblade that way?”

 

Q.10 – On the note of flickblades, how do you use them, Orihara-san?

 

Izaya - My flickblade? Yeah, I know how to use it. What’s to understand about swish, swish, stab? It’s a flickblade. Not a fighter jet.

 

Q.11 – If you were to appoint codenames to all of your closest friends, what would you give?

-.-.-

“Alright,” Izaya announced, clapping his hands, “We are not to let Shizu-chan find us. We will infiltrate his workplace and use the element of surprise, and therefore, we will need _code names_!”

Mikado raised his hand, “Excuse me, Izaya-san, but what do code names have anything to do with-”

“You can address me as ‘Eagle One’,” Izaya took no notice of Mikado’s would-be question, “Mikado-kun will be ‘Been There Done That’-”

“Eh?”

“Celty is ‘Currently Doing That’-”

[ _Izaya!?]_

 Shinra is ‘It Happened In a Dream’-”

“How did you know-”

“Masaomi-kun can be ‘If I Had To Pick a Girl..”

“Oi, oi..”

“..and Namie is ‘Eagle Two’.”

“..Thank everything.”

-.-.-

Q.12 – Hewajima-san, if Orihara-san was held hostage and was screaming for help, how would you react?

 

Shizuo – Huh, look here, I know Izaya. He’s not the useless type. He doesn’t stand there and scream helplessly. He makes other people do that.

 

Q.13 – If Orihara-kun offered you a drink at a party, what would you do?

-.-.-

Shizuo sniffed suspiciously at the too-red liquid in a cup in his hands and then glanced up scathingly.

“Did you spike the punch?”

“Something goes wrong, you blame me. After all these years, where’s the trust?”

“…”

Izaya let out an exasperated sigh, “Yes, I did.”

-.-.-

Q.14 – Kishitani-san, it appears that you are acquainted with Orihara-san and Heiwajima-san in their high-school years. Would you like to share some experiences?

 

Shinra – Well, there was this one time where we went on a field trip and Shizuo broke the-

Shizuo – Shinra, we promised not to bring that up again.

Shinra – _What?_ Really? Then.. What about that time where Izaya suggested that we go break into that yakuza place?

Izaya – Oh? Did we?

Shizuo – Stop smiling, you fucking flea!

Shinra – Well, we only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good-

 

Q.15 – How would Kishitani-san describe Orihara-kun, seeing that he’s perhaps the most difficult of you three?

 

Shinra – Alright, Izaya, at what point in your life did you come to the fork in the road, where sanity was to the left and you took a _hard right_?

 

Q.16 – Heiwajima-san?

 

Shizuo – Hey flea, if your life had a face, I would punch it.

Izaya – Oh, hahaha.. wait, _what?_

 

Q.17 – Now describe yourself, Orihara-san?

 

Izaya – I am a lethal weapon. If I want the curly fries, I will have the curly fries.

Shinra – I thought you wanted soft pretzels?

 

Q.18 – Closing stateme-

 

Izaya – Shinra.

Shinra – Yes, darling, do you have a question?

Izaya – Yeah, first and foremost, _how dare you?_

-.-.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not much Shizaya this chapter //maybe because Shinra's there oops  
> Have some humor to mend our broken ketsu kokoros  
> //screeches because i need season 3 but there's no chance
> 
> Also, to clear things up, Izaya last chapter was fooling around by saying that he and Shizuo were dating, but evidently it's being backfired this chapter wahaha


	3. Interview 3--Er, quiz?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there will be _questions,_ Shizu-Shizu, but

“Oh.” Izaya stared. _“Oh.”_

“Yep!” Erika beamed like the sun in the sky, which was kind of ironic since it was raining outside, “You’re going to be taking an anime quiz, to test your knowledge!”

Shizuo raised an eyebrow, “No.. y’know, questions?”

“Well, there will be _questions_ , Shizu-Shizu, but-”

“No, no, no, I mean..”

 _“Questions_.” Izaya finished entirely unhelpfully for the blonde, “As in.. regarding us,” He made a reluctant gesture pointing to himself and then Shizuo – making a neck-slicing movement while motioning to the former bartender. Shizuo growled, obviously very irked by the fact that he was sitting in such proximity to his lifetime rival.

“Maybe!” Erika chirped, “Or maybe not, right-o, are you two ready?”

 _“Never,”_ Shizuo muttered, hands itching for one of his calming cigarettes.

-.-.-

Q.1 – Shizu-Shizu, describe some similarities between Izayan and Akashi~

  
Shizuo: Akashi? As in that psycho from the basketball anime? Ah, well, they’ve both got Hiroshi Kamiya as their voice actor?

Izaya: No breaking the fourth wall, Shizu-chan!

Shizuo: And they’re both belonemaniacs.

Izaya: What’s so wrong with switchblades-

Q.2 – Pyu pyu?

 

Izaya: Pyu pyu.

Shizuo: Nani the fuck.

 

Q.3 – So, Choromatsu and Jyushimatsu both have your voice actors. How do you feel about that?

 

Izaya: Hiroshi Kamiya does a nice job playing the straight man. Also, I’m sure that Jyushimatsu is high 24/7. I have reasonable scientific evidence in living form here.

Shizuo: Wait do you mean-

 

Q.4 – Izanyan?

 

Izaya: The fuck?

Shizuo: Oh my god the nyan cat song.

 

Q.5 – Okay, here’s a Tumblr imagine scenario! You two are late to an important meeting, with, I don’t know, Shiki-san? What do you say?

 

Shizuo: “Uh, sorry I’m late. I was busy doing things.”

Izaya: “I’m things.”

 

Q.6 – Another scenario, if you two were chefs?

 

Izaya: “I’ve got everything under control.”

Shizuo: “Is that why everything’s on fire?”

 

Q.7 – If one of you had to come to the other for help?

 

Izaya: “I screwed up big time.”

Namie: “Izaya, given your daily life experiences, you’re gonna have to be more specific.”

Izaya: When did this old hag get here.

 

Q.8 – Oh! Now that Namie-san is here as a special guest, I can finally ask some of my headcanon questions – _ehem,_ how would daily like go for the three of you?

 

Shizuo: “Now shut up and help me do this crossword. I need a five letter word for disappointment.”

Namie: “Izaya.”

Izaya:

Shizuo: “It fits.”

 

Q.9 – Also, I gave Kishitani-sensei a message about your high school years. He sent back a text telling me about that one time-

-.-.-

“Hello, people who do not live here.” Izaya deadpanned.

“Hi.” Shinra waved.

“Tch.” Shizuo grunted.

“Hello.” Kadota stated.

“I gave you the key for emergencies.”

“We were out of Doritos.”

-.-.-

Q.10 – Just a second, I have to use the restroom!

 

Namie: It’s a bit chilly in here, isn’t it?

Shizuo: Here, you can have my jacket if you want.

Izaya: …Hey, Shizu-chan, I’m pretty cold too.

Shizuo: Well damn, Izaya, I can’t control the fucking AC can I?

 

Q.11 – Okay, I’m back. Also, I got this maths question from Kishitani-sensei as well. If there are 10 children standing and only seven chairs, what would you do?

 

Namie: Let them sit on the floor.

Shizuo: Get three more chairs.

Izaya: Kill three.

 

Q.12 – Ah! This one’s from Denis! Izanyan, what do you think when you’re making your way to Russia Sushi?

 

Izaya: Making my way downtown.

Izaya: -Walks fast-

Shizuo: IzaYA.

Izaya: -Walks faster-

 

Q.13 - …And this is one from Shiki-san! Namie-san, describe a ‘peaceful work moment’. Also, he’s _realllly_ salty about the last interview and the comparison to Shrek!

 

Namie: “Hello? Psychopath’s secretary speaking.”

Izaya: “It’s Izaya.”

Namie: “What did he do this time?”

Izaya: “No, no, it’s me, Izaya-”

Namie: “What did you do this time?”

 

Q.14 – Er, I think we’re almost done. Ah, from Celty-san! Iza-Iza, what do you think of Shizu-Shizu’s black bartender uniform?

 

Izaya: Shizu-chan, you’re always wearing black. Whose funeral is it?

Shizuo: I haven’t decided yet.

 

Q.15 – Alright-o! To end this interview, our Reporter-san from the last two would like to ask just how big of an ego Izanyan has!

 

Izaya: Why is my nickname always changing? Also, I don’t brag.

Namie: Really? The other day you called yourself the proof of God’s existence.

Shizuo: That’s fucked up.

Izaya: Like this entire fic. Also, this chapter got completely derailed from being an anime quiz show.

-.-.-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic wasn't even updated for like 3 months and here's 800ish words of bullshit from your dankiest truly.  
> No but seriously I'm a jackass and I'm sorry. I might alternate between DRRR and Osomatsu-san but no guarantees that I'll write anymore for this fandom ;;;;  
> Do you guys see all those TV show references I'm so original ikr


End file.
